Lust so often starts in the mind, where it will either be entertained or vanquished.
Every Tuesday we’ll be posting an article about restoring and strengthening marriages that have been damaged by sexual sin. Hope it helps.
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The Compartmentalizer
Year after year I’ve heard wives agonize over the deliberate, devastating choices their husbands have made. “What was he thinking?” they’ll cry, “and how could he do a thing like that if he loved me?” The conclusion they often come to – in error – is that he used the porn, or had the affair, or acted out in some other way, because he stopped loving her. How else can his selfish, destructive behavior be explained?
Hard to believe, but truthfully, a man can love his wife and still betray her in the worst of all ways, because love is not a guarantee of faithfulness. Granted, unfaithfulness is intolerable, and no excuse for it can ever be made. But it does not necessarily indicate lack of love. Lack of maturity, perhaps, or lack of discipline, character, common sense. But love? Well, if the history of men and women in scripture teaches us anything, it’s that genuine love and human imperfection can and often do walk hand in hand.
King David gives perhaps the best example of this. A man after God’s own heart, as God Himself christened him, was also capable of adultery, cover up, and murder. You remember the story: Israel’s at war; the King is lounging on the palace rooftop. He spies a beautiful woman down below, ceremonially bathing, and lust kicks in. (You know the experience: “I see; I want; I’ve got to have!”) She’s married, as is he, but in the throes of desire he’s not about to let a technicality like that get in the way. He takes her; days later word comes to him that she’s pregnant. After comical attempts to get her husband back from the battlefield to sleep with her have failed, David orders the man placed in the front lines of an impossible battle, there to be killed, so everyone will assume his pregnant widow’s child is his, not the King’s. (See II Samuel chapters 11 and 12)
Case closed. David, like many a Christian man, walks away from his sin assuming that, because there are no immediate consequences, he’s gotten away with it.
Until Nathan the prophet confronts him with a story that so obviously parallels his own, you’d think David would recognize himself in it after the first sentence. “A poor man had one little lamb”, the prophet explains, “who he loved deeply. A rich man had several flocks, but when he had guests for dinner, he decided not to kill any of his own sheep, instead, he snatched the poor man’s lamb and killed it for his meal.”
By now most of us would say Busted. Not David. He’s furious, demanding that the culprit be punished severely, until Nathan utters that most famous of all indictments Thou Art the Man!
Duh. Wouldn’t anyone in David’s position know that? No, and that’s the power of compartmentalization. It happens when a man blocks out his wife, God and family in order to indulge in a deliberate sin,. After all, he can hardly enjoy a bit of adulterous binging while thinking of his family. Then, having binged on porn, sex, whatever, he blocks that out, returning his thoughts and attention to his real life. Men, it seems, have an innate capacity for compartmentalization, often leaving their women baffled and shattered.
Especially, it seems, because women tend to be more global in their thinking and experiences, less likely to block out; more likely to mentally and emotionally multi-task. So when a wife finds her husband has been able to break his vows to her, she may look at his behavior through the lens of her own makeup and think, “I could never possibly do that to him, unless I stopped loving him. Therefore, he has to have stopped loving me.”
Logical, but wrong. Men can commit heinous sins, often by relegating the sins to a private back room which they visit on occasion, then lock up and forget until next time. Their real life, which they block out in order to indulge, is what they love; their sin, blocked out except for the occasional visit to the back room, is a dark luxury they enjoy, The two can and often do co-exist.
Yet an explanation for sin cannot be construed as a justification. A wife can and should demand faithfulness from her spouse; her spouse can and must work on keeping his mind clear, his behavior clean, his dark, empty rooms swept and free of destructive indulgences. And one of the best ways he can do that is by directing his thoughts towards what is real, vital and top priority. Lust so often starts in the mind, where it will either be entertained or vanquished. God grant all of us renewed zeal to know (and vanquish) an enemy when we spot it.
I agree that engaging in porn, an affair, etc involves compartmentalisation, but I disagree that only men do that – for I am a woman and do exactly the same thing. Also, I agree that love and human imperfection go hand-in-hand, but I remember hearing Sy Rogers say that to love is to value someone – so if I was to truly and fully value my partner, I wouldn’t dishonour them (or the other people I am using to get off with) by watching porn or having an affair. Does that make sense?
Compartmentalisation is actually what my now ex-husband did for the past two years. He met up with men and spent countless hours on a gay website during the week and then on Friday would drive hours to come home to our family. He never connected the two. In June, he chose his secret life over his marriage. He still thinks he can have his secret life (now getting more public) and his family. The pain my teenage girls are facing is sicking.
I’m so sorry to hear this, Susan. God bless and be with you and your girls during this rough time. Thanks for being part of this community. Take care.
My former husband was caught cheating when “one” of his girlfriends called and texted me because she was angry that he dumped her. My friend who is a PI did some investigating and discovered many other women. I had suspected the behavior for years but had no proof until this incident. I was devastated. When confronted with solid evidence of his infidelity, he denied his actions and even stated he didn’t know these women though the phone records showed that he spent hours talking to them. In regards to the woman who called me, she was the most recent he had talked to and my ex stated he didn’t even know her name though he had a relationship with her for over six months. Because of his unwillingness to seek counsel, admit to his sinful behavior, or show any sign of remorse or brokenness, I chose to divorce. Our family has been destroyed and me and my children after 3 years are just now recovering. Sadly, my ex-husband used to be a pastor and has completely turned away from God. He continues lying, deceiving people convincing them that I am a horrible person for divorcing him. Honestly…If he would have been broken I would have stayed with him and worked through our problems. I loved him and the amazing family life we once had. I have forgiven by the Grace of God and we are very amicable. The hardest thing to accomplish was to move on in life, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I thank Jesus for his healing power and grace, I couldn’t have survived without His love.
I just wanted to ask how you go the strength to leave…knowing your family would be ruined….My husband has been having afffairs since a week befor we got married….as of right now i know of 30 different woman i have contacted or they have contacted me saying that her and my husband either were dating or had a sexual relationship. Ive tried confronting him about it…He does the exact thing your ex does…hell ive seen sexual photos of him on his phone sent to other girls…he lied and said he “took them for you” and my phone freaked out and sent them to this random number….I just recently found out he is having another baby with a girl he’s been with for 4 months….i talked to her…seen photos of him with her..holding her kissing her…and he flat out lies saying he doesn’t even know who she is!!!! We have two baby girls together…one is 20 months and the other just turned 7 months…..I just dont know what to do anymore…my entire life ive been raised to never get divorced…..and i dont want to…i want to work things out with him…Ive asked him to go to cousaling and he’ll say yes…but then “somehting” came up or he’ll start a fight and we end up not going….
I just want to know…how you made the decision to leave…how you got the strength…I know God can help me with all things….i just dont see how i could ever heal from this…..how my girls could ever heal from this….i dont want them hating me or thinking i didnt try in our marriage….